worship

"u have the potential, thats y i was so hard on u," he said. oh i din noe that. so is not coz he dun like me, or coz he thinks that i cant make it. but he thought that i have the potential. i never knew abt that. i was always stress around him, thinking he will criticize me again. or worse. not criticising but giving me a look that i did not do well once again. i was stressed. so with him aorund, i will most of the time feel that i cant make it, thinking, will i ever passed his stage. that decrease my confidence in addition to my nervousness.

" u have the voice and skills, i just duno wats wrong with u, and i feel that u were not hitting the mark". and according to him, is not just not hitting the mark, but thats a dip. actuali, im well aware of that. but i just duno wat i can do to get a breakthru. i recalled and i thought i knew. but when the next time comes, i corrected. but again, not much diff. so i didnt know. so wat was it? i guess i have to seek the Lord to ask. i do see myself as a worship leader when i was a much younger Christian, but this dream seemed to vanish as i grow, as i struggled in leading worship. i still led and always seize the opportunity to improve whenever im asked to. hopefully a change. but i was always fearful and afraid, coz i noe i just cldnt reach that mark.

so i got to noe wta is in his mind since he tok to me himself. he never used to tok to me face to face abt these things that were in his mind, but preferring to use my shepherd to tok to me, whom do not noe wat to say either. coz we all duno the reasons for the lack of breakthru i was facing. as he toked to me this mrng, i really have hoped that he had told em all those things long time ago. i valued his opinion coz i believed he has the anointing and he can see certain things. he shld have told me himself. i wouldnt have feel so bad and i wouldnt have think so much negative things abt myself. he was hard to me coz he saw the potential in me. but i have felt a dip in my confidence ever since. only last yr, when on a mission trip, my leader told me that she was glad i was on her team coz she values good worship leaders. :) that increases my confidence in leading. though i noe my trip leader has always been an encourager and always say nice things to ppl. nevertheless, that has been one of the things that kept me up whenever im down.

im still nervous abt leading worship. in fact, afraid. coz i noe each time i start. i din hit it. dissapointed in myself. i knew i have to look to God. He will noe y. he asked me to consider these two factors: sin or pride. one is subtle. one is known. so which one will issit?

im realli nto looking to men. but inevitably, we do all mind ppl's view on certain things. men are mostly men-pleasers. and i realli valued his comments. he is good. and anointed. i reali hoped that this conversation had been earlier...