I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much
I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy
Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...
i ahve been feeling lousy ever since that day... and it doesnt help that things seemed to be coming my way... the waves of life thronging at me... :( things making me feel vexed and irritated... but they are things i dun wanna mentioned here nor i think is suitable to be mentioned here... sigh... i shall strengthened myself in the Lord. i cant help but think that the things that i met seemed to the same agn... maybe... they are things that i keep falling into.. and i have to learnt from them... how?
The joy of the Lord shall be my strength!help me Lord! let me draw close to u... more and more!
one can just do something innocently and the next moment, before u noe it..poom.. u are into sin..arr... or rather i wun say before i noe it.. but is more of a temptation and doing it thing... and the best thing is, u can actuali tok to someone abt the hitting the mark of God, and the next moment do wat u shldnt do... y is this so?? lack of self control? mayb. more so, the carnal nature in us is just still so alive. the old adam living in us is so much stronger than the New Adam. and i realised more than just standing in the position in Christ, we nd to start appropriating it!
Psalm 119:9, 19 says, "How can a young man cleanse his way? By taking heed according to Your word. With my whole heart i have sought You. Oh, let me not wander from Your commandments! Your word that I have hidden in my heart, That I might not sin against You."
so is the word hidden in my heart? obviously not, coz if i have, i wld not been sinning the next moment when i just tok abt God's word... the Lord so desire to write His laws in our heart! but before that He needs to cleanse us first from all filthiness and all idols. then He will give us a new heart and a new spirit, and take out the heart of stone in us, and give us a heart of flesh. (Ezk 36:25,26). Oh Lord, write Your laws in my heart!
oh, and one more thing.. i guess is also coz i was at the wrong place at the wrong time... which incidentally is wat King David did too... He was at the wrong place at the wrong time coz he was in a way irresponsible, LIKE ME. and so, he was caught off guard! we can never be off guard..coz the devil goes around roaring and waiting to devour... to wait for us to be off guard... ok.. be RESPONSIBLE!!
We rode into town the other day, just me and my daddy. he said I’d finally reached that age, and I could ride next to him on a horse that of course, was not quite as wild. We heard a crowd of people shouting, and so we stopped to find out why. There was that man that my dad said he loved, but today there was fear in his eyes.
So I said, “Daddy, why are they screaming? Why are the faces of some of them beaming? Why is He dressed in that bright purple robe? I bet that crown hurts Him more than He shows. Daddy please, can’t you do something? He looks as though He’s gonna cry. You said He was stronger than all of those guys; Daddy, please tell me why. Why does everyone want Him to die?”
Later that day, the sky grew cloudy, and Daddy said I should go inside. Somehow he knew things would get stormy. Boy was he right, but I could not keep from wondering if there was something he had to hide.
So after he left, I had to find out. I was not afraid of getting lost. So I followed the crowds to a hill where I knew men had been killed, and I heard a voice come from the cross.
And it said, “Father, why are they screaming? Why are the faces of some of them beaming? Why are they casting their lots for my robe? This crown of thorns hurts me more than it shows. Father please, can’t you do something? I know that You must hear my cry. I thought I could handle a cross of this size. Father, remind me why. Why does everyone want me to die? Oh, when will I understand why?”
My precious son, I hear them screaming. I’m watching the face of the enemy beaming. But soon I will clothe you in robes of my own. Jesus, this hurts me much more than you know, but this dark hour, I must do nothing, though I’ve heard your unbearable cry. The power in your blood destroys all of the lies; soon you’ll see past their unmerciful eyes. Look, there be love, see the child trembling by her father’s side. Now I can tell you why... she is why you must die.
this song has been ringing in my mind the moment i woke up today... i din reali like this particular song actuali... coz there was something in the song i cldnt reali agree with in my head...well... (but i realised is just my mindset lah)... somehow, somehow, it just ring in my mind and i began to like this song...:) a very touching song... as i mediatate how Jesus died on the cross for me though He was in pain and He knew He has to go thru all that coz of us, all undeserving sinners. i wld upoad this song if i have a upload server.. anybody tell me wat i can do??
i was listening to a sermon by Pst Lip this morning. the sermon is actuali toking abt Jesus asking the disciples,"Who do men say that I, the Son of Man, am?" and he was compared to the prophets of old, Jeremiah, Elijah and even the John the Baptist who was considered the top of preachers at His time. But Jesus continued to ask, "But who do u say I am?" Peter answered, " You are the Christ, the Son of the living God". interestingly, thru'out the Bible, the term, "Son of God" was seldom use in the Bible.. "Son of Man" were more often used on Jesus, even Jesus referred Himself as the Son of Man. and the people who recognised that He is the Son of God were those who were not on Jesus' side. like the demons, satan.(Matt 4:3, 6; 8:29) for all the others in the Bible, to them, Jesus is the Son of Man. coz they can only see Him as a man, merely a man. mayb a good teacher, like how the young rich ruler see Him as( i have an entry on that as well). And Jesus also refers Himself as the Son of Man coz He recognised that the multitudes cant receive Him or rather cant see Him as the Son of God coz it is God who reveals to the people("..for flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but My Father who is in heaven.") Pst Lip ended the sermon asking those who think they are suffering under the multitudes syndrome to repent and response to the altar call.
wats the multitude syndrome? the multitude syndrome is one who goes with the crowd and can only see Him as the Son of Man, not the Son of God. they can only see how all other people see Him as. people who only run to Him asking for food like the ppl of Luke 6 who wants more food, but will leave if the requirements were too much and too hard for them. coz they have not come seeking after the Lord.
interestingly, when i start to listen to the sermon, when Pst Lip read that very question that Jesus asked, it was like the Lord Jesus saying to me," But who do u say that I am?". is like Jesus asking me, " so, u have heard so many others tok abt Me, and u learned and read so much abt Me from others. how abt You? who do you see Me as?" this question comes like a double edged sword, cutting into my heart. who is He to me? i realised that i nd to have a ever-progressing revelation of the Lord, to noe Him, and not just about Him. i can truly read so much and hear so much about Him, but i do not know Him for myself! oh, wat deception we can all live in! hearing the truth yet not being the truth in our lives. we must have a personal revelation of the Lord ouselves. on top of that, we ought to have a different revelations of Him everyday of our lives! just like in Revelation, the 24 elders who sat before God on their thrones fell on their faces and worshipped God and each time they get up, they see a different aspect of the Lord! we cannot just noe God thru others' revelations, thru others' walk with Him, or we will never move on.
"Who do you say that I am?"
When Jesus came into the region of Caesara Phillippi, He asked His disciples, saying, " Who do mean say that I, the Son of Man, am?" So they said, Some say John the Baptist, some Elijah, and others Jeremiah or one of tthe prophets." He said to them, "But who you say that I am?" Simon Peter answered and said, "You are the the Christ, the Son of the living God." Jesus answerd and said to him, " Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah, for flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but My Father who is in heaven." Matt 16:13-17
should be asleep at this time, but thought mayb i shld write an entry here. i was realli thinking abt the unity in the Church of Christ. somehow, the Lord has put a burden in me to see the different denominations come to the unity of the faith, to reconcile to one another. reali, even the Lord Jesus say that all the people will noe we are of Him when we noe love one another. and in Ps 133, it says, how great is that anointing when the brethrens dwell togther in unity! in Genesis, when the people was united, God has to separate them, and He said they can do watever they want coz they are united and nothing can stopped them. how i wish this will be the unity of the brethren of that tenacity, of that nature. instead, Christians fighting against Christians, arguing and disputing abt the difference in doctrine. when r we going to grow up in the body of Christ? even Paul says that sectarian is carnal. it is not of God. somehow as im typing this, i felt an illumination of a scripture.(i shall include it later).
i believe the Lord has placed a burden in me to bridge the gap of the Christians in my campus, of different doctrinal issues. reali, they are all but pride. pride of doctrine. pride of traditions. pride in the spirituality. frankly, these things take 2 hands to clap. there's no right, no wrong. all we nd is reali to strike a balance between the Word and the Spirit and understand each of our doctrinal stands and interpretations of the BIble. not too left-handed or too right-handed. it shldnt be believers fighting believers, but that the Christians winning the lost for Christ!
i do not noe wat to say.. and wat more to say. im sad for the condition of the kingdom of God. i just pray that in God's grace, He will used me to reconcile the parties in my school..at least. i believe this is something God has placed in me, as i remember even saying to myself, denominational difference will never be a problem to me, when my pastor actuali said there are conflicts between denominations. coz i thought to me, all it matters is reali Christ, and being Christlike. so wats the issue now? speaking in tongues, not speaking in tongues? doctrinally correct and not doctrinally correct?? of coz we hv to be doctrinally correct(how can we dont?! and we must be strong in it as well, to be established!), but at the same time, led by the Spirit of God, for Him to illumined our eyes, that scales may fall from our eyes!
i hope i have not dealt with this issue in the wrong attitude. but i reali hope that thru me seaking to the leaders in CF, there will be a change and i can speak in their lives. Lord, wat should i do?
i pray that Lord, You will help me, as only You can help. And Lord i pray that You will make all things beautiful in Your own time, and that the brethren may indeed dwell togther in unity, and that anointing may flow and the lost will see ONE GOD in ONE BODY OF CHRIST, and see them come to know You and Your Majesty. Lord, use me as ur vessel to reconcile this difference. I'm not sure Lord how You are going to do it, but i pray Lord, noeing You are the Almighty, You are more than able to. So Lord, i give You all the glory and honour. IN Jesus' most precious name, Amen.
reali, wats the difference? i reali agree with my pastor who says, lets not despise them or watver coz we are the Body of Christ. it is that they have not seen, does not have the revelation. but we shall let them see the fruits of the spirit in our lives, in order to let them believe and see that indeed we are different and better, when we speak in tongues. not in words, argument, bringing each other down but in deeds and actions, by our lives! coz all different movements are to add upon and bulld upon one another, not throwing away the old, and embracing the new. the old and new are needed together! (Matt 9:16, *17)
Lord, i hope i will live up to Your name. glorify and exalt You. but somehow u noe...(hope if anybody who might be reading this is a non spirit-filled Christian, u will not be offended) i reali felt that somehow the so-call doctrinally correct Christians are always attacking the Charismatics and the Pentecostal by their words. is that reali call speaking in love and in truth? to me, sometimes i reali feel that it is more in pride than in love. i have to confess that many spirit-filled Christians got too extreme, but after all, the Body of Christ is still maturing. who does not have wrong? the most impt thing, whether having signs or not, it is the life that the person leads that say the loudest.
and something about the toronto blessings... i have not experienced it before coz i wasnt a Christian then, but i have experienced the shaking and slained in the Spirit. some of my frens experienced the holy laughter and weeping. and wat was their response to that?? nothing bad at all, but more on fire for Jesus!
we all must grow up in the likeness of Him. experiences are good but they are not all. they are just a means to the end, not the end to the means. we nd to grow out of just experiences. but we cannot remain there or we will catch ourselves stagnating and not moving on in God. but everybody must have their own personal experiences and encounters with God coz they are very real. and God is a living God who wants a relationship with us, not just wanting us to read His book. a preacher said, if the Lord has only want u to have the book, He will say He will send u a Book, and not another Person. we cant just want God the Father, God the Son and "God the Holy Scriptures", but God the Holy Spirit!
so, wat do i want to say? i guess just to say watever things i felt in my heart. BALANCE!!
"till we all come to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to be a perfect man, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitiful plotting, but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the Head - Christ - from whom the whole body, joined and knit togther by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love." Eph 4:13-16
just now, was toking to my fren, and he commented that lately i have been very fierce and he doesnt dare to tok to me..:( oh... am i?? i din noe that... mayb im getting a bit overboard with my "natural drama"( if u noe wat i mean..) ok, so i said to him, i will try to be more gentle wiht my words...and i think my mannerisms too.. so sad... anyway, Jesus is gentle and gracious words come out from His mouth.. that's wat the Bible says... and i ought to bear the fruits of the Spirit, of which, some are, gentle, temperance, meekness... ok.. and i suddenly was reminded of one more verse in Peter... "Do not let your adornment be merely outward - arranging your hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel - rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorrutible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God." 1 Pet 3:3-4
hey, i think thats toking about me... oops... i think i better meditate on this...
just looking at my previous entry and reading it, i was reminded of a song, " A Touch From Heaven". it was abt a woman who had a blood problem that was with her for many years. it is a strange and unclean illness in the custom of the Jews. so when Jesus was passing thru a city, this woman said to herself, if only she can touch the garment of Jesus, she would be heal! oh, wat faith she has! and this woman pressed thru the crowds of ppl who was thronging Jesus, and she managed to touch his garment, and immediately she was healed! and the amazing thing is, Jesus knew that someone touched Him coz He felt power coming out from Him, when so many ppl was thronging Him, and pushing Him.
somehow, at this point, i dunno reali noe how to continue.. it just struck me that this case was different other cases whr it was Jesus who initiated the healing, in the sense, He will go and heal the sick, lay hands on them or will say to those ppl who came to Him and asked for healing for other ppl and Jesus will usuali say, that person is healed. but somehow, this case was different, it was initiated and simply one sided. Jesus didnt noe who touched Him until later,(however, it is impossible that JEsus do not know, coz He noes everything beforehand...) and she was already healed. so, wat does that mean?? i need to think and ask God about it. :)
Anyway, the song goes like this:
" Like the woman with the issue of blood We press in, we press in Like the blind man waiting patiently We press in through the crowd
Then suddenly, a touch from heaven Jesus came and rescued me, Then suddenly, a touch from heaven Jesus came and rescue me"
yesterday, after the zion convention, i was actuali toking to my frens, or my ex-mentor.. she was my confidante, and it seemed to be always so pleasant to tok to her. coz u always get the feeling that she understands and she accepts u. the grace thats in her life. full of the fruit of the Spirit. :) anyway, so glad to have tok to her that nite, coz we dont have much chances nowadays as we are all bz and we are not in the same zone anymore.
was telling her that im now in the place whr i felt terrible, but i dun reali noe wat is happening in my life, other then one incident in my life. (after which, i thot, maybe thats the thing i have to deal with, and have a complete victory of). i felt somehow i get an enlightenment even as i tok to her abt pressing in. she said, God is a God of breathru, ask Him for a breakthru. if God cant bring breakthrus, He will not be called a God of Breakthrus. Press in for more of Him, just as Jacob as wrestled with God. and i honestly replied that i do not know how to wrestle with God, and pressed in. if it was other times, i simply would day yes, coz i thot i noe how to press in. but then at that moment, i knew in my life, i am not realli pressing in, and im not pressing in. i do not know how to press in. And the things that she say, not something new, but just got thru my thoughts, and somehow i realised wats that that missing in my pressing in! simply that lack of PRESSING THRU!
we have to press thru thru prayer and pressing in by pressing THROUGH!~ is jus like im in a crowd of ppl walking in the opposite direction, pressing in and pressing through till i reach the other side that i wanted. i realised so many times, i stopped in the middle of the road, just coz i think im tired or is impossible to press thru. thats y i never get a breakthru! wah.. wat a revelation..haha..to myself. however, a breakthru has to be still given by the Lord, not by myself. just like i cant possibly crucify myself coz i will nv be able to hammer the nail on the other hand... im pressing in now, and hungering for a breakthru... on a fast.. to somehow hunger and thirst after God that i may gain Him! but of coz, i have to fully depend on Him even for this breakthru! Amen! "He does not delight in the strength of the horse; He takes no pleasure in the legs of a man. The LORD takes pleasure in those whofearHim, In those whohopein Hismercy." Ps 147:10, 11
yes! the zion convention ended yesterday, leaving a vision in my heart - to press on to Zion! this time round, it has been different for me comparing to the last 2 i went. i guess it boils down to the attitude i went, and of coz, the mercies of God towards my life. looking back these few months, i realised that God has been preparing me for this conference. i not only attended with head knowledge but a heart and mind of wanting to know the truths so well, and for myself. to let God write His laws upon my heart.
i do not know how to articulate the things that i felt, but i truely left with a apprehension of the vison of Zion and going on to perfection, going from the Outer Courts to the Holy of holies. it is dangerous to stay in the Outer Courts in the Last Days coz simply, there's no covering in the Outer Court. but most importantly, i want to be at the place whr i can see God face to face, not just going to heaven, knowing what the Lord Jesus Christ had done for me. He would want us to be like Him as well!
God has not sent His only Son just to give us salvation, but to fulfill what He wanted in the very beginning of time - He wants to dwell with us, walk among us and tabernacle with us! and so, we have to be changed in our very own lives, thru beholding His glory, into His likeness and walking a life that is pleasing before Him!
there is so much, so much to say which i find it simply indescribable.. and i dunno y... i dunno how to say... thats rather irritating actuali.. i wld reali want to share my joy with all of u! :)
i am encouraged and im pressing in! i want to find my name written in the register of Mt Zion, and that im a citizen in that heavenly country! "And of Zion it will be said, ' This one and that one were born in hee; And the Most High Himself will establish her.' The LORD will record, when He registers the peoples:' This one was born here.'" Ps 87:5, 6
actuali have thot not to put some of my mundane comments here in the blog..but i think i better do! ... i was meddling with my fax for about an hour...changing the paper... but that's something wrong with it! either i put it wrongly, there's something terribly wrong with the roller mechanism or my dad has bought the wrong one. arghh... the paper indeed got stuck in between the thermal carbon or it came out with it! im suspecting the 2 last reasons.. or is me! anyway, having struggling with it for an hour and still with no avail.. im giving it up liao... c how tmr lah... i noe is not a good attitude, but ... i dunno wat to do abt it! bleh...
sigh.. like wat the title of this entry says.. TOO MUCH TIME ON THE COMPUTER!! well, i think i shld do more productive things than staying online?? if im ministring to someone... thats ok.. but me?? just wasting time away!! :p i think i spend more time looking at my pc screen than tok to my family members. and i supposed to be a light in the family.. oh...bleh... arghh.. anyway, think is time for me to fast on the computer... serious! ok.. shall start tmr!! so no post here tmr!! GOD HELP ME!!
alrite... before i signed off...let u take a look at my...
... unappetising dinner...
and yar..better prepare myself for the zion convention later!!!
wretched man that i am! who can deliver me from this body of sin?! felt that i am suffering from split personality soon. seemed that i am a different person when im doing my Quiet Time or with God, but a different person outside of it. i can immediately forget who i prayed or wat i said to the Lord.. arhh.. how can it be... offering lip service with such lightness... but then, i reali do mean it when i prayed. why is that so?? because my body, soul and spirit is not united. they are lusting against one another. Oh Lord, make me united. Make my heart unite that i may fear Your name Lord. Oh, i so long to make myself wholly devoted to You!
this can be only possible when i am abiding in the Lord. that remaing in Him, that position of remaining and abiding in Him. and so whatever i do, will be united. my body, soul and spirit.
"I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit... Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itslf, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit for without Me you can do nothing." John 15:1-2,4-5.
felt that the Lord wants to do a deep work in my heart, to cut off the callous, hard part of my heart. that it will a fleshly heart. after all, isnt that what i felt i wanted to have? that God may write His law in my heart, on tablet of flesh, not stone. Oh, i want a tender heart!
was toking to my fren online.. and realised that i have indeed drifted away from Him... do i always have to crawl back to find my Almighty, to repent, after realising that i am so weak and helpless without Him? God has been gracious.. when can i reali say that " i have been crucified with Christ"?? nevertheless, it is a daily taking up of the cross... and i can only crucify by the Lord, not my own. how can i crucified myself?? " i die daily"... thats wat the apostle paul said. soemthing that so seemd so high up, yet is not unattainable. wat kind of desire do i hvae? a cheap and light thing on my lips? to say that i desire?? wat truely is desire? y am i still lidat this if i reali do desire??
today, reading Art Katz last sermon he came... i again realised that lightness of my words... as if everything seemed so cheap... understand that true life will only flow if i truely experienced and understand everything , every iota of wat i have been saying. if not, they are only empty words. it is so so easy to counsel ppl with the right words, right theology and even the right scriptures. how abt myself??
ok, i need to tok to the Lord.. abt me.. and again repent... in dust and ashes... oh Lord, pls help me. to understand every word i have read in Your book, not as merely words, but to reali acknowledge that they are words that bring life. and can only bring life thru me when i apprehend them. or else, they are merely just nothing but head knowledge... help me, Lord.
oh..haha... it has been quite some time since i updated myself here... after so long, it seems that i have lost touch on quite a lot of things, but somehow, they are still the same.. hmm.. does anyone understand wat im toking abt?? anyway.
should be rtning here to jot down some of my thoughts here... just wanna update some features as well... but things have been slow.. im feeling so tired... and sleepy..."yawn"...-_-
well, thats it... just to make my presence felt.. hahaha