I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much
I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy
Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...
today is my 1st paper for exams.. got there ard 3-4 min late. kinda estimate my time wrongly... jurong to expo leh! and still hv to rush to chk my seating position. thank God, my seat is not that far away and not difficult to find.. im the 932nd candidate.. *gasps* anyway, i dunno wat happen, but the chief examiner asked to c the 933rd candidate after the paper.. wah..that means the person behind me.. and the kpos curious, start looking ard, and have wat-happened-huh? look. actuali b4 that announcement, while the invigilators were collecting papers, i aredi heard them asking one another, " eh, so shld we collect 933's papers?" not i kpo k? is that 933 is behind me 932. (wah, like no name one.. sounds like criminal..got bian hao.. kidding... jus that i think there were simply too MANY candidates for them to handle liao).
anyway, ydae cldnt sleep the whole night. i wonder y.. definitely is not that i was stressed over my paper. i think the most i only slept 1 or 2h.. in those semi-conscious state.. :( i was thinking... Maths paper leh, cant sleep... aiyo... actuali i realised that quite often, after i did my QT, i couldnt sleep... not sure if coz the Lord wants to continue seeking Him, or im just too over brain active. think i will hv to ask Him though.
actuali, seemed like quite a lot of things to blog.. thought this will only going to be a short entry. but turn out, hmm... guess coz i hvnt been blogging for a few days bah. ok, i will make a difft entry from this one coz i blog my title or rather theme...
anyway, i nd to confess something( of coz, i confessed to my Father-in-heaven liao). today when i reached the exam hall and i was late, i actuali complained a bit, thinking of how i cldnt sleep, and i arrived late at the exam hall, and when i flipped open my maths paper.. i was like *eyes open big big* and told myself to calm down. i dunno how to do most of them lor! this year's questions were different from the past years' papers. and it doesnt help that im lousy in maths, and im actuali in a resit! (i may nd to resit again!! thats a re-resit...*sob*) ok, so wat am i to confess? i actuali said to God, "oh, y lidat? y are You doing this to me??" yar..lousy rite? but i quickly try to sweep off that statement off my mind coz i realised is wrong! but of coz, it also meant it is something that i hvnt overcome, and is hiding in my heart. but i din thot of confessing my mistake or ask forgiveness from Him... sori...
after the exams, i heard a lot of ppl say the paper's very difficult this yr and many ppl stuck somewhr and cldnt finish the questions. when i heard that, i was relief in a way, mayb self-consoling, that i m not the only one...haha...
ok, cut the story short, i start travelling home. b4 that, i decide to have lunch b4 i head back home. and while eating, i decided to continue reading the book(John Bever's Drawing Near) i was reading on my way to the exam hall (amazed that i actualli hv the mood to read rite?). and i thot i would like to read the chapter on "true worship" coz im always very interested in the topic of "worship", after finishing 2 other chapters abt tongues. and i read something:
" I'll never forget the time when God confronted me on this. I had been working very hard to refrain from any sort of complaining. I had come to realise complaining is an affront to God's character, as complaining says to God, "I don't like what You are doing, and if I were You I would do it differently." It is a lack of holy fear and God hates it; in fact, it destroyed the children of Israel's opportunity to enter into the promised land."
the bold n italic part is the part that caught my attention, and of coz, the Holy Spirit's conviction. I confessed it immediately and ask for forgiveness. reali nd that fear of the Lord in my life, isnt it? noeing that God is soverign and who are we to question Him? but of coz, His plans and purpose for us are all good. :) His ways are higher than our ways.
actuali, while blogging this, i got a bit upset while msn-ing with a fren.. i think he doesnt meant it the way i interpreted, but i think im a bit offended. sigh.. and is true in a way. mayb thats y i got offended.. but i reali tried my best. and i hv alredi asked a lot of grace from the Lord! i literalli felt that i was relying on His grace to do my Maths paper! yes, my maths is that bad! *pathetic hor*?
(ok, i hvnt kept a history of my msn, so here's roughly how the conversation went)
me: im goin jogging later and do my a/cs later. paper this fri.
me: today maths paper. dun reali noe how to do... :( mayb have to resit nx yr again...
him: is ok lah. if u din try ur best.
me:huh? din try my best?
me: so u think that of me ar?
me: ok lor [obviously, can sense that i am not happy liao... so he give me a...]
him: haha
him: i dun meant it that way
him: i said in a matter of factly
me: oh, so u mean is a matter of fact that i din try my best lah
him: i dun meant it in the way u think... i believe u try ur best[ at this point, i was like, so wat do u mean?? did i try my best then?? ]
him: but if u wan to think in that way...
me: ...
me: i dunno wat to say liao...
then some silence.
think he also dunno wat to say. and i decided actuali i was quite mean, though im happi, and i gave him the benefit of the doubt that he said he din meant the way i think he was thinking. arghh.. reali abit upset coz im struggling like mad liao and he said im not trying my best?? of coz, i hv to say i did not reali spend that much time as i shld hv since my maths was so so terrible...
so, i decide to break the ice.
him: whr r u going to play badminton?
then the conversation continues...
post-blog: after thinking thru, i think i noe wat he was trying to say. he was actuali trying to console me that if i din try my best, is ok if i failed. something lidat?
correct or not? if u r reading the blog.
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post-post blog:ok. so i got the msn thingy a bit wrong. and we have cleared up the misunderstanding... so i decide to post here wat was the correct conversation coz he got saved his msn conversations.
me: today my maths cant make it, might nd to resit again.
him: hai, as long as u tried your best.. if u never tried your best, then .......
me: never? hm.. u think that of me? ok lor.
him: I never thinkg that of u hor. I just saying a matter of factly. but I believe u got try your best ...
me: well, then is a matter of fact u think I did not try my best.
him: well, if u want to think that way, I also bo bian ... although I dun mean that.
me: ...
me: I duno what to say ...
that is wat i got from his site. but hm, dunno if he got edit something coz i obviously rem he got a "haha" in between, or maybe he just exclude that coz is not impt. anway, if u read both accounts, u will realised is a bit difft coz mine is my own memory and interpretation. so, u c, men's (generic) memory and interpretations are never reali reliable.
anyway, this episode caused some thots in me. which i will blog in another entry. abt offends and our hearts. :)
